Self-Esteem is Unhelpful
Ann C. Jorn Copyright 2008

        Self-esteem is a word we frequently hear on the television, in self-help books, and in our daily lives. We are told that good self-esteem is a very important part of happiness; but what does self-esteem actually mean? The National Association of Self-esteem (who knew there was such an organization out there) defines self-esteem as

        "The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness."   National Association for Self-Esteem. NASE goes on to say, “This concept of self-esteem is      founded on the premise that it is strongly connected to a sense of competence and worthiness    and the relationship between the two as one lives life.” (http://www.self-esteem-       nase.org/whatisselfesteem.shtml)

        REBT has a different understanding of self-esteem. In fact, REBT does not like using the word self-esteem at all. Here are some reasons why the above definition I and other REBT practitioner's feel puts people at significant risk of having low self-worth or low self-acceptance.  The major flaw in the above definition of self esteem is that it is not realistic.  The definition of worthiness is connected to competency.  Competency involves naturally ones behaviors.  Therefore, one’s worthiness is connected to one's actions.  Now clearly if you perceive yourself to make numerous mistakes and therefore conclude that your competency is inadequate you are also likely to conclude that you are unworthy.  Albert Ellis has a few definitions that work better: one is to say that you are worthwhile because you live or if you are religious you are worthwhile because God loves you.  The second definition, and one I think is much easier to attain, is to not rate the self at all or as little as possible. After all as Albert Ellis correctly notes if you were to accurately rate your value based upon what you could do you would have to rate every behavior you had ever done.  That of course is impossible! (Albert Ellis, "New Directions For Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy: Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, And Behaviors”, Prometheus books Amherst NY 2001 p68.) Instead of rating the ego REBT advocates only rating one's behaviors or actions.  Dr. Ellis strongly believed that when you evaluate your ego based upon the things you can or cannot do you are putting yourself at significant risk of experiencing low self-worth because we often conclude when we do make a mistake or series of mistakes that our entire personhood worthless. 

Self-Acceptance – to accept oneself totally and without judgment and to do this by evaluating your behaviors but never your Self.

        Evaluating your actions helps you to effectively live in society and problem-solve about news ways to pursue your goals, evaluating your basic value or selfhood tends to reduce your motivation to find new ways to pursue your goals and the hope that you can achieve your goals.  When you suffer from low self-acceptance over time, you also tend to create self-fulfilling prophecies.  In other words, you tend to avoid trying new tings in order to avoid failure and a drop in self-confidence and consequent feeling of low self-acceptance.  This avoidance inadvertently serves to justify the idea you are of little value.  Chronic low self-acceptance can lead to depression, anxiety and anger.  Frequently those in chronic pain judge themselves useless and worthless because they cannot do the things they used to be able to do.  While it is factual that you cannot do the same things, this does not prove that you have therefore become a useless person or that your basic value decreases.

The self embodied in the body of every being is indestructible."  
….weapons do not cut it,
fire does not Burn it,
waters do not wet it,
wind it does not whither it.
It cannot be cut or burned; 
It cannot be wet or withered; 
it is enduring, all pervasive, immovable, and timeless. (Bhagavad-Gita)" 

Strategies for Improving Self-esteem

Never judge your selfhood or basic value as a human only your actions.

Choose to believe that you are of value simply because you exist and that nothing can take this value away.

Hold your abilities to a realistic standard not to yourself before you had pain or to some other person not in pain

Deliberately make a mistake (that is not dangerous to you or others) and practice accepting yourself.

Using your common sense and reason, argue against the idea that your value is based on your abilities.

Vigorously choose to not judge yourself for having a disability – no self-prejudice allowed!

Catch yourself every time you self judge and vigorously tell yourself that you never become a useless or worthless person!Catch others self-judging and remind them that it’s a bad idea